Real Stories. Real Healing.

“I wasn’t just depressed. I was dying inside—and no one could tell.”

Alyssa shares how ketamine treatment helped her move from suicidal thoughts to walking her dogs, hiking with friends, and rediscovering joy.

Transcript
Alyssa:
Before I found Northwest Ketamine Clinics, I was really depressed. I wasn’t really able to take care of my dogs. I wasn’t socializing. I could sometimes shower if I really smelled bad, but I just wasn’t really able to function, except to do like the very bare minimum I needed to get money for rent.

I think the hardest part that no one saw is just how sad I was. My partner could tell. But even then, I just had this moment where I told them, I was like, I need you to focus on me, because I want to die. And I just said it one day out on the sidewalk really casually.

“I need you to focus on me, because I want to die.”

And I was very lucky to have such a good partner. They just dropped everything. They took time off work. They were like, we’re going to figure this out.

Everyone at work always thinks that I’m the most outgoing ray of sunshine, and I have such a good sense of humor, and I take such good care of my patients, and nobody could tell that I was like dying inside.

“Nobody could tell that I was like dying inside.”

I had called, and originally was told it was going to be several weeks for my first appointment. And I told whoever was on the phone that I was actively suicidal, and I got called like the next day—or the day after—by the nurse practitioner, and they were like, Yeah, can you do Monday? And it was like, Thursday of that week.

And I was like, Oh. They’re actually really invested in helping me.

Kelly just talked me through everything while she was setting up the IV—about what I could expect, and that anything I experienced was going to be normal, and that she was right there with me, and she was going to treat any symptoms I had from the ketamine, like nausea or anything.

And I just felt like, Oh, this lady for sure knows what she’s doing. I don’t need to worry about it. I’m with a nurse. They’re gonna take care of me. And she did.

And I came out of my infusion, and immediately she was like, Hey Alyssa, you’re just coming out of your first ketamine infusion. My name’s Kelly. Do you remember me? You’re safe. And I was like, Yeah, I’m totally safe right now.

I’d never done any kind of drugs outside of maybe like marijuana in college, and I didn’t know what to expect for something like a psychedelic. And I felt like I was just floating on clouds in that first infusion.

“It almost felt like it took away all the other burdens weighing me down too. I could just float around in air and relax.”

And that, by far, is still one of my favorite memories, because it was just so mind-blowing to me.

I feel great now compared to before. I’m not suicidal, so I count that as a really big win.

I now walk my dogs several times a week. We go to the park. I would never do that before. And I have two hikes with friends coming up that I have actually planned and put in a calendar.

I’m gonna go outside and go look at the trees and smell the flowers—and I was not doing that. I don’t know that I could have even done that like a year ago, because I feel like I’m just steadily improving.

“I feel like I’m just steadily improving.”

Depression and anxiety are very isolating mental health disorders. It’s really easy to feel like you’re alone and that no one cares. But you’re not. And there are real options to be able to try to make progress and open your mind and change your perspectives—even though it feels impossible right now.